


We should be dead but, y'know, aliens

by LetMePukeInYourMouthEm



Category: The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals - Team StarKid
Genre: F/F, F/M, Multi, Post-Apotheosis (The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals), we've got some !Alice for a while
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-08
Updated: 2020-02-03
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:47:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22168882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LetMePukeInYourMouthEm/pseuds/LetMePukeInYourMouthEm
Summary: The infected population of Hatchetfield, having been successfully quarantined on the island and shut away from the outside world for almost a century, have absolutely no clue of how much has changed since the meteor hit in 2018.As it turns out, the Hive can only control so many of the countless civilizations they have bent to their will (yet you, Paul, have defied us thrice) at once, so they have to decide which few of their host species they want to desert. Earth's humans aren't as fun to control anymore, so the Hive begins letting them go, starting with a girl whose body had been kept at the age of seventeen.
Relationships: Alice & Bill (The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals), Alice/Deb (The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals), Carol/Mr. Davidson (The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals), Charlotte/Sam (The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals), Doug/Melissa (The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals), Henry Hidgens & Emma Perkins, Nora/Greenpeace Girl (The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals), Nora/Zoey (The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals), Paul Matthews/Emma Perkins, Sam/Zoey (The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals)
Comments: 18
Kudos: 38





	1. Chapter 1

Deb watched as her body continued its choreography with the infected Alice for the millionth time, more bored than she was terrified at this point. She had lost count of how many years of nothing but this she had gone through. Having picked up on some of the dance styles and moves' names, she had gotten used so used to this that she had taken to fucking with the alien in her body by thinking of the wrong one and making herself mess up. Recently, Deb had noticed that this trick was working more and more often with every passing day, to the fake Alice's chagrin. 

_Glissade_

It had worked again. She had distracted herself from her and Alice's lindy hop with a ballet step. Alice rolled her eyes and pulled Deb back into the dance, which she immediately started doing correctly again. She looked at Alice, having nothing else to focus her attention on. Even with her skin pale, her hair tangled, her years-old makeup smudged, and her face and arm scarred, she was so pretty. Deb was sure there was still at least a little bit of the kind and gentle girl she had fallen for before all this had happened, just like there was a snippet left of herself. 

Alice's bright blue eyes glittered as the girls harmonized. Deb hated that this fake, twisted version of her girlfriend's smile still made her heart skip a beat. She wished that she could stop singing and tell the real Alice how much she loved her. As she looked at Alice's confused expression, she realized that she had. Deb stepped back and blinked, shocked that she was in control again. 

Alice stopped dancing and raised an eyebrow. "Match my pitch." She hit a high note Deb had only heard from the other infected Hatchetfield residents. She couldn't sing anymore, or at least she couldn't as well as she could have when she wasn't herself, so she just shook her head, knowing she wouldn't be able to. "Finally!" Alice squealed in delight, spinning on her heel. "We're leaving this boring planet!" She giggled and skipped out of the room humming.

Deb leaned against the wall, just now realizing how exhausted she was after continually dancing for who knows how long. She thought about what the infected Alice had said. Did she mean that the Hive was leaving, or that the Hive was going to take all of Hatchetfield off of Earth? She guessed from her regained control of her body that it was the first one. That meant that Alice would come back, the real Alice. Deb smiled to herself as she fell asleep. Alice was coming back soon. She couldn't wait.


	2. Chapter 2

Deb hadn't slept since she was infected, so she had forgotten how great it felt. She woke up to the sound of someone calling Alice's name and flinched, still not used to being in control of herself. She got up off of the ground and walked through the deserted halls of Hatchetfield High, avoiding debris and blue shit. It was no easy feat, considering that the lights in every building in Hatchetfield had been out for decades. The voice was definitely human and sounded familiar, but she hadn't heard the real voices of anyone since the last citizen had been infected, so she couldn't quite place it. She was getting very close, though, and she had a pretty good guess as to who it might be. The man turned a corner and screamed as he found himself face-to-face with his daughter's girlfriend. 

Deb chuckled, shaking off her surprise. "It's okay, Mr. Preston. It's really me." 

"Deb!" Bill hugged her, which was an unexpected move. She was used to quiet but visible disdain from him. "What are you doing here?"

"Well, yesterday, I was dancing with Alice, then I could do what I wanted again, and she ran away. Don't think she's here anymore."

"Do you know if she's okay?"

"I hate to be the bringer of bad news, but she was still one of them when I saw her last. She said something about leaving the planet before she left, if that helps anything." Bill gasped and jumped back, looking like he was going to cry. "No, no, I think she meant the aliens," Deb smiled, reaching a hand up to fiddle with her beanie. Right, that had been gone for years. Her even-messier-than-usual curls would have to do. "That's probably what happened to us, you know. The aliens left. Have you seen anyone else like us? Uninfected, I guess is the word?"

Bill shook his head. "As soon as I woke up, I got here to look for Alice. I wasn't paying attention to anything but finding her." Deb couldn't help but smile. Alice's dad was so sweet. "I didn't notice any, but there might be some real people again."

"I'd like to go look for any," Deb offered, biting her lip as she tried to untangle her hair with her fingers. "Especially Alice. If we find her and she's still a part of it, we can stay with her until she isn't." 

"The sooner we find her, the better," Bill agreed, turning to walk toward the door. "Did you see where she went?" 

"Nope, sorry. I was out cold, like, immediately." 

Bill smiled. He was finally warming up to her, and all it took was an alien invasion and the loss of everyone's free wills. A classic way to win a father's affections. "That's okay, Deb, it's not your fault. I-"

"Wrong way," Deb interrupted, pulling him out of the entrance to a different hallway. "Doors are over there."

"Sorry, it's been a while since I've been in here." He laughed quietly before adding, "it's also been a while since I've been anywhere at all."

"Fair. Just follow me, Mr. Preston. I know this place pretty well," she said, leading him through the dark school. "By the way, how long has it been since 2018?"

"I don't know. I lost count at around twenty-four years and eight months, and that was ages ago." 

"Twenty-four years?!" Deb repeated in shock as they stepped out of the school into the faint light.

"Oh, it's definitely much more than that. I-" Bill was interrupted by a barbershop quartet-esque harmony from behind the school. Right, most of Hatchetfield was still singing and dancing. She had almost forgotten.

"Are they still going to hurt us?" Deb whispered nervously.

"I don't want to take the chance," Bill replied, quickly hiding himself behind a bush. Deb followed suit as the singing grew closer.

"Hey, hey," the singers called, the bass and lead following it with "Deborah Hannon" and the tenor and baritone with "William Preston." 

"Why are they using our full names?" Deb whispered, rolling her eyes. 

Bill gave her a small shrug. "Rhythm, I guess."

The singers continued, pulling Deb and Bill out from behind the shrubbery. They didn't look like they were about to kill them, though, and the lyrics were about how the four of them wanted to join them, instead of the other way around. There was also something about the spores in their bodies being "needed elsewhere," whatever that meant. The song ended and the singers grinned at Deb and Bill, a more relieved smile than the psychotic ones they were used to seeing from the infected Hatchetfield residents (and themselves, until very recently). 

The baritone– a police officer– coughed and took a sharp breath. Deb noticed that his eyes had changed from that sickeningly familiar blue to a natural brown. "What? How did I...?" He looked up at Deb and Bill, yawning. "Is this what that song was about?" 

"I think s..." Deb started, trailing off as he fell asleep on the ground, just as tired as she had been the day before. 

"It's happened again, we're all leaving soon!" The other three singers said in excited unison, a welcome change from the eerie monotone they usually heard. "Goodbye!" They scattered, leaving Deb and Bill in front of the snoring man. 

"What are we going to do with him?" 

"I don't want to just leave him here, but we can't really do anything until he wakes up," Bill said, snapping his fingers in front of the cop's face in a weak effort to wake him. "He might be out for a while, if my own experience says anything." 

Deb turned her head up when she heard a distant voice, one she had been harmonizing with for almost as long as she could remember. "That's Alice!"


	3. Chapter 3

"Can you stay here with the officer, Mr. Preston?" Deb asked, figuring out which direction her voice had come from. "I'm going to go find her."

"You're not just going to-"

"I'll bring her back here as soon as I see her, I promise," she interrupted. They heard the fake Alice singing again. "She's over there, and I can tell she's not too far."

"It's for Alice," Bill reminded himself under his breath. "Just stay safe, okay? I don't want either of you getting hurt."

"Of course. I'll be back in just a few minutes," she assured him, setting off toward the siren song. "Alice?" She walked gingerly through the otherwise quiet Pinebrook as her girlfriend's voice got louder. She saw someone else– though she was wearing a blue-stained military uniform, Deb recognized her as one of the baristas at Beanie's, the bitchy theatre kid with the aggressive pageant-girl smile– asleep on a sidewalk and made a mental note to check on her later. "Ally, baby, where are you?" She walked further and saw a silhouetted Alice dancing by herself across the street. "Hey, babe," Deb called, walking over to get her attention.

"Oh, it's you," the infected Alice chirped, dropping her solo choreography to give Deb a fake smile. "Deborah Hannon, my lead, the first one to go. Lucky." 

"Please just Deb, you know I hate being called Deborah. Now, c'mon." 

"Where do you want to take me, Deborah?" 

"What did I just say?" Deb sighed, taking Alice's cold hand. "We're going to Hatchetfield High, I promised your dad I'd get you back there."

"My host's father," she mumbled, lost in thought. "William Preston. He-"

"Yes, Alice's dad, and he's not one of you anymore." Deb started dragging her toward the high school. "I know. We need to get back there soon, or he'll be worried."

Alice pulled her hand away and crossed her arms. "I don't want to."

"I don't care, babe."

"I'm not going anywhere, Deborah," Alice said, turning away and going back into her solo number.

Deb groaned. "Stop, stop singing, you won't pay attention to me when you're singing." Alice ignored her, proving her point. "Um, maybe being around us humans will speed up the process and you'll be able to leave faster," she improvised, trying to think of whatever would get the alien controlling her girlfriend to come with her. 

It worked. Alice immediately turned and stared at Deb expectantly. "Let's get going, I don't want to be here anymore." 

"Alright," Deb smiled, taking Alice's hand again and turning to go back to Hatchetfield High. Alice let go again and sped up, forcing her to speedwalk. "Okay, will you stop that?"

"Stop what?" Alice giggled.

"Just walk like a normal person, please."

"What do you mean?"

Deb sighed, annoyed at herself for recognizing the step. "You're chassé-ing, babe."  
  
"Yeah, I know, I just wanted to make you say it," Alice said, not slowing her pace. 

Deb rolled her eyes. She would not miss this Alice when she was gone. "Wait, wait, I need to talk to that chick over there," she said, skidding to a halt as they passed the sleeping barista again. 

"You have a girlfriend."

"It's not about that, Ally." Deb dragged her toward the barista. "Hey, sleeping beauty, wake up."

"'Sleeping beauty?'" Alice scoffed, faking offended. She kicked the theatre bitch's face, waking her up. 

"Hey, hey, calm down, don't hurt her," Deb said, gently pushing her girlfriend away. "You okay there, coffee girl?"

"Are you going to make me sing again?" She asked nervously, sitting up and rubbing where Alice had kicked her. 

"No. I'm not infected, and this one doesn't want to be," Deb explained, helping her up.

"So she's still part of it?" The barista quickly hid behind Deb. "Don't hurt me!" 

"She won't, the alien in her wants the Hive to leave Earth, which is what I think happened to us. Killing you would kinda ruin that." 

"Um, okay. I'm Zoey, by the way, but you probably already knew that from the Hivemind."

"Deb, Alice, she did, I didn't," Deb shrugged. "The real me wasn't really connected to the infected me, but little miss alien over here is still one of them."

"Zoey Campbell," Alice recalled, flicking her tangled hair. "Wouldn't stop making musical references. All the time, every day, at every opportunity, to the point where even we found it annoying."

"Guilty as charged. Why did you wake me up?" 

"Because as far as I know, you're one of four people who aren't infected anymore. Do you want to come with us and meet the other two? A police officer and Alice's dad. They're over at Hatchetfield High."

"Well, I don't really have anything better to do," Zoey shrugged, still keeping her distance from Alice, who had started dancing again. 

Deb sighed again. "Ally, baby, can you stop doing that for, like, three seconds?" 

"One, two, three."

"One of these days, you're going to kill me," she sighed, grabbing Alice's arm and dragging her back toward Zoey. 

"One of these years, you snapped my neck," Alice sang, trying to get Deb off of her.

"That wasn't me." Deb noticed the shocked look on Zoey's face. "What? I know for a fact that you killed people when you were infected, too."

"Um, yeah," Zoey mumbled, looking away. "I guess I can't argue with that."

"That's what I thought. C'mon, I don't know how much longer she'll be still," Deb said, looking back at the infected Alice, who was glaring at her.

"Alright, let's go, then," Zoey nodded, following Deb and Alice to the high school. 

"Alice, again with the chassés," Deb rolled her eyes, trying again to slow her down.

Alice giggled again. Deb hated the sound of her girlfriend's adorable laugh being twisted into an evil chuckle. "Fuck you, Deborah." 

She sighed again and accidentally let go of Alice's arm. She smiled and disappeared ahead of them. Deb knew she knew where Hatchetfield High was. Zoey didn't, though, so she had to lead her toward Bill and the officer, now joined by the still-infected Alice. Bill looked shocked. "Okay, Alice, what did you say to him?" 

"Deb! Alice told me you were dead-"

"Alice!" 

The fake Alice giggled again. "Not sorry." 


	4. Chapter 4

Deb had given up on trying to stop Alice from singing and dancing. It was annoying and she couldn't stand the sound of her girlfriend's sweet voice being used against her will, but there was really nothing she could do about it but wait until she came back. She looked up when she heard a voice coming closer in duet with Alice's. "Ugh, not another one of them!"

"What if this one wants to hurt us?" The officer, who Deb had learned was named Rob Sawyer, asked. He had woken up– not a very heavy sleeper, apparently– when Deb had gotten Alice and Zoey, who had fallen back asleep. 

"He doesn't," Alice sang, her voice somehow still perfectly clear as she performed a complicated string of turns.

"And we're supposed to trust the infected one?" 

"Yes, you are," Alice and the other voice insisted in unison, dropping the song but not Alice's choreography. "We're a Hivemind. It's kind of our thing that we all think the same way. Remember your quartet, Robert? They were awfully excited for you."

Deb sighed and turned to Bill and Officer Sawyer. "I know that voice." 

"Who is it, then?" Bill was answered by the voice's owner, standing directly behind him. 

"Greetings and salutations," Danny said with an exaggerated smile. "It's lovely to see just how quickly we're going."

"Well, this is going to get annoying fast," Deb said, rolling her eyes.

"It already is," Sof sighed from behind him. 

"Hey, Sof. Nice to see you awake and, y'know, not dead. Can't say the same for this one, though." Deb turned back to the others. "This is Danny, who is dead, and Sof, who is not. They're my friends from Smo- I mean, school. I said school," she quickly corrected herself, remembering that she was talking to a police officer and her girlfriend's father. 

"Nice save," Sof chuckled. "Sorry for killing you, by the way." 

"Hey, it's fine, it wasn't you. I don't..." Deb trailed off as she watched Danny begin an elaborate pas de deux with Alice. "Wow. Okay, then." They started singing a love song together. "This is fine, I'm fine with this." 

"That's not Alice and that's not Danny," Sof reminded her, lightly hitting her arm. "Alice and Danny are not a couple, and they're not Alice and Danny. Those two are just aliens who are messing with you. Alice loves you, you are her girlfriend."

"So my daughter is in love with this boy?" Bill asked, not helping.

"No, they've only met once, she's gay, she has a girlfriend, I'm her girlfriend," Deb repeated to both Bill and herself. "They're aliens, they're just aliens, she's not Alice." 

"Well, would you rather dance with me instead?" Alice asked, once again breaking the song, but not her dancing. 

"I hope you're not suggesting you reinfect me, Ally."

"No, of course not," she said casually, as if she wasn't denying an alien invasion/murder accusation while being lifted in the air by a stoner she had only met once before, both of whom having been controlled by aliens for the past century. "But I know you know the steps. You've spent so much time using them to fuck up our other dances, you have to by now." 

"Yes, because that's what that was," Deb said, rolling her eyes. "Decades of continuous, mandatory dance classes. I'm not going to dance with you, babe." 

"What? Why am I dancing with Deb's girlfriend?" Danny asked himself, dropping Alice. "Sorry, I...." He yawned and fell to the ground, asleep. 

"Nice timing, Danny," Sof chuckled.

"Bill and I have decided that we should look for any more uninfected residents." Officer Sawyer cautiously helped the infected Alice to her feet. "I'll stay here with the corpses," he said, motioning toward Zoey and Danny.

"Does Alice count as a corpse?" 

"Well, yes, but not in this context."

"She's coming with us. Deb and... Your name is Sof, right?" She nodded. "Okay, good," Bill smiled. "Deb, Sof, and Alice, we're going to go and find them. You two are okay with that, right?" 

"Hell yeah." 

"Let's go, then," Deb said, taking Alice's arm and dragging her back to Pinebrook. Bill and Sof followed them through Hatchetfield to find a woman asleep in an alleyway.

Deb had seen her for a few of the ensemble numbers throughout the years, but she didn't recognize her from before the apotheosis. She looked even worse than the others, just skin and bones with deep scars, blue stains around her lips, torn and blue-splattered clothes and broken glasses, her knotted hair roughly cut short. Bill gingerly tapped her shoulder and she jumped awake. "No!" She screamed, pushing herself further into the shadowed alley. "Don't take me again!"

Bill cleared his throat, shaking off his surprise. "Ma'am, we-"

"I just got my body back!" The woman interrupted, covering her face with her arms. "I'm not doing it again!" She stood up and tried to run out of the alley, but was stopped by Deb and Sof. "No, no, no, no, no! Let go of me!" 

"We're not infected-" 

"Yeah, that's what you say so you can get me! But I'm not falling for it! Let me go!" 

"Please listen to me, ma'am," Bill said slowly. "We don't want to hurt you. We're not going to infect you. And we're not trying to to trick you. We want to help." 

The woman saw Alice dancing nearby on a sidewalk and screamed again, kicking Sof's shin so she would let go of her. It didn't work. She looked up again and recognized him, having to squint through her broken glasses. "Bill?" 

"How do you know my name?" 

"Bill, it's me, Melissa. The secretary from CCRP." 

"Melissa?" Bill repeated in shock. "What happened to you?" 

"The apotheosis happened, Bill. You think you'd be able to guess that by now." 

"You didn't look anything like this that morning, though, I remember you didn't. Your hair was long, for one."

"I had to keep it short, it's easier when the infected can't grab you and pull you directly by your head. Didn't help me that much, but I would have died sooner, had I not. And I probably look different because I hid and stayed human for a while. Now, can you please let go of me?"

Deb and Sof dropped her arms, but didn't let her leave. "How?"

"The Hatchetfield Fortress was just open for the taking," she explained, nervously staring at Alice. "I camped out there for seven years, until one day when I snuck out to get supplies and these two police officers caught me and took my softball bat. They had this big jazzy number that ended with one of them shooting my head. Eighty-nine horrible years of singing and dancing later, here we are." 

"Wait, we've been infected for eighty-nine years?!" Sof repeated.

"Correction: I've been infected for eighty-nine years. You all have been infected for ninety-six. You didn't- what do the infected call it? 'Sense another presence in the Hive' seven years late?" 

"I mean, I was still a little busy with the whole 'there is an alien Hivemind controlling my every move, I killed several people, including my girlfriend and her dad (sorry, Mr. Preston), I can't leave Hatchetfield, oh, look, we're singing again, am I in hell?' thing," Deb shrugged, still processing the fact that she was 113 years old. "It's kind of all-consuming." 

"To put it simply, the whole 'being dead' thing," Alice sang.

"Great, she's making musical references."

"And you got it immediately, Sofa," Alice chirped. "You can take the girl out of the Hive, but you can't take the Hive out of the girl."

"Your name is Sofa?" Bill asked, trying not to come off as rude but not really knowing how to.

"My parents are crackheads," Sof explained with a small nod before turning back to Alice. It was kind of weird to see her sober, she was almost a different person. "Don't call me that again, Alice."

"And please stop dancing," Melissa added, shrinking back into the alley. 

"She's not going to hurt you either, Melissa."

"She might be a bitch right now, but she won't hurt you, if your eardrums don't count."

"I heard that!" Alice called from the sidewalk. 

"It's true!" 

"She's a very good singer," Bill said, adding a "because she's forced to be" under his breath. "But that's beside the point. Melissa, do you want to stay with us or go solo?"

"I'd like to stay with you guys, but I am exhausted," she admitted, leaning against one of the buildings. 

"I'll take her back to the officer, he-"

"Officer?!" Melissa yelped, jumping back further into the alleyway. "What if he's one of the ones who killed me? What if he kills me again?"

"He won't, Melissa. Just come with me, you'll be fine. I'll come back and look around for you guys when she's at the school," Sof called back to Deb and Bill, dragging a hesitant Melissa behind her.

"See ya, Sof," Deb replied, trying to restrain Alice so they could find another person. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I shouldn't have to say this, but I feel I should clarify that Danny/Alice could not, would not and should not ever exist


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is pure chaos, but so is this whole fic, so that's okay

Deb and Bill continued their search. Aside from Alice's singing, it was awkwardly silent until Bill cleared his throat. "Um, Deb?"

"Yeah?" 

"I know that almost nothing the infected say or sing is true," he started carefully, looking back at his infected daughter, "but when you and Alice infected me, she said you were a stoner." 

"Mr. Preston, I-"

"It's true," Alice trilled, resting her elbow on Deb's shoulder as they walked. 

"He just said he doesn't trust what you-"

"Don't lie to yourself, Deborah," she interrupted, smirking. "You know I'm right." 

Deb sighed and pushed Alice off of her. "Don't you have some shitty song to sing or something?" 

Alice shrugged and chuckled. There it was again. That fake, warped version of Alice's bubbly giggle. Deb felt nauseous every time she heard it. "Don't you have something to tell my father?" 

"He's not your dad." 

"My host's father. Whatever. You haven't called me by anything but my host's name, have you?"

"You bring up a good point, do you have another name? I don't like to associate you with my girlfriend." 

"Here's my real name." The fake Alice made a complicated series of chirps and clicks. "Can you pronounce that, Deborah?" 

"Yeah, Alice will work just fine."

"Exactly." That horrible laugh came back. "I hope you don't think William's forgotten what you were talking about, because he hasn't. Have you, Dad?" 

"Right, that. Deb?" 

Alice started singing again behind them. "Hey, look, another human," Deb tittered as she pointed to a couple walking towards them. 

"Great, more singing," Sam groaned, gripping onto Charlotte's arm in an attempt to keep her from dancing. 

"Hello, Sam," Bill sighed, talking loudly to be heard over Alice and Charlotte's harmonies. "Sorry about my daughter."

"Well, sorry about my wife. We can't control their singing."

"Neither can they," Deb muttered, putting a hand over Alice's mouth. "Ow, fuck!" She quickly pulled it away. "She bit me." 

Sam quickly stepped back. "Not enough to...?" 

"No, no, I'm not going to be reinfected," she rolled her eyes. Alice and Charlotte stopped singing when the five of them heard two voices calling Bill and Deb's names. "What? What is it?" 

Officer Sawyer and Zoey ran in from the same direction Bill, Deb and Alice had come from. Zoey groaned and turned to go back. "No, Zoey, you're staying," Officer Sawyer sighed, grabbing her arm.

"What happened to Sof?"

"We switched," Zoey explained, glaring directly at Sam and Charlotte. "I woke up, and the chamomile girl refused to stay if he was there."

"Understandable, considering I shot her the last time she was in control of herself. I might add that she asked Sof why I couldn't have been 'the pretty officer,' so that's out there now." 

Sam intentionally avoided eye contact with Zoey. "She must have meant Padeska, you didn't go anywhere without her."

"Them."

"Right, them. Sorry, I-" 

Sam was interrupted by Charlotte, who pulled herself away from him and glared at Zoey. "So you're the other woman, huh?"

"What?"

"You must think you're pretty hot stuff 'cause Sam wants to make you his child bride, but-"

"I'm not a child, and I'm not-"

"But let me tell you something, sister," she continued, crossing her arms. "I was here before you, and I'll be here long after you're gone."

Sam cleared his throat. "Um, Charlie, baby-"

"He's all yours, Char," Zoey replied, flicking her hair and putting her hands on her hips.

"All you are is me, twenty years younger, and when Sam's done messing with you, he's gonna come straight back to me."

"I am done with him, and I-"

"No, no, no. You may be a homewrecker, but I'm not. You can have him, and you are one lucky girl, 'cause he is the most amazing man I have ever met."

"Okay, what the fuck is going on here?" Deb interjected, turning away from a now-singing Alice. 

Sam sighed. "She's my wife, and she's-"

"An extramarital affair," Zoey interrupted, faking a sugary tone. "What a way to find out, huh? Sharing a brain with these two fuckers for ninety-six years!" 

"Isn't the Hivemind wonderful?" Alice sang, twirling around Zoey. 

"Can you not?" Zoey sighed, pushing her away. It stopped her turns, but not her rhythm. As soon as she regained her balance, she went directly back into her choreography, prompting Charlotte to do the same. "God, I hate these dancing alien motherfuckers."

"I thought you loved musical theatre, Zoey," Alice giggled.

"I like it when I'm in control of myself." 

"You are now."

"Lucky little bastard," Charlotte cooed, leaning on Zoey's shoulder.

"Okay, I think I still have a gun or something in this unif-"

"Zoey!" 

"I think we need to separate her from these two," Officer Sawyer said, quickly pulling Charlotte off of her. 

"Yeah, she's-" 

"Sawyer?" A third police officer asked, joining the group. "And Mitchell? Is that you?"

"Oh, hey, Padeska," Officer Sawyer chuckled. "There's a girl who I think is pretty interested in meeting you."

Their eyes lit up behind their cracked sunglasses. "Really?" 

"Yeah. She's probably still asleep, but she's back at Hatchetfield High."

"I'll take you there," Zoey said, nodding towards the school. "Anything to get away from these two." Charlotte passed out behind her. "Nevermind, then."

"C'mon, Mitchell. Let's get your wife to Hatchetfield High so she can sleep, and Padeska can come with us and see Melissa. Charlotte, wake up, please." Officer Sawyer gently shook Charlotte awake and helped her up.

"Zoey? I didn't-"

"Shh, baby, she's not important," Sam murmured, turning Charlotte away from Zoey and following Sawyer and Padeska to the school.

"Not important, huh? I'll tell you what's not impor-" 

"Save your breath, Zo! I'm not listening!" 

"Some things just never change, do they?" She sighed and crossed her arms. "What did I ever see in that scumbag?" 

"The same thing his wife did, apparently. We should keep looking." 

"Yeah, let's try downtown. That's where the Starlight is, the infected always hang around there." 

"We do love that meteor of ours," Alice chirped, laughing again. "Can't live without it."

"It's the reason you're not living, but okay."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The TTO reference was me showing restraint lmao


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And I thought the last chapter was chaotic !!

They set off toward the Starlight, seeing two groups of several still-infected people in the middle of two different musical numbers on the way. Alice tried to join the second one, but had to settle for just singing along with them when Deb forced her to keep walking. By the time she had finally stopped, they had just passed Beanie's, where they heard another human voice.

"Zoey! Zoey, Zoey, Zoey!" Another one of the baristas hissed, running out of the coffeeshop and grabbing Zoey's wrist.

"Nora?" 

"Yeah, it's me, get in here!"

Zoey looked around at the other three. "But-"

"They can come, too, I guess, just get in the fuckin' coffeeshop!" 

"Um, okay," she said, letting Nora pull her into Beanie's. Deb and Bill followed, dragging Alice behind them. "Why did you-"

"I fell asleep in here and just woke up, like, ten minutes ago," she interrupted, nervously drumming her broken fingernails on the trashed counter. "You're the only people I've seen who aren't singing."

"Well, give Alice a minute, I'm sure-"

"You brought one of them with you?!" Nora yelped, hiding under the counter.

"I'm not going to abandon her," Deb said, tightening her grip on her girlfriend's arm. "I love her, and I want to be with her when she comes back."

"Aww, how sweet," Alice patronized. 

"When she comes back," Deb repeated, sighing as she pushed her towards Bill. "She's harmless, you're fine. Why did you want us in here so bad?" 

"Because of them," Nora said, shakily standing back up. "They're going to kill me again, and-"

"No, they're not."

Bill resisted his daughter's attempts to get away from him and start dancing again. "From what I've gathered, they're trying to get off of Earth. There are more uninfected people at Hatchetfield High, if you'd like to come with us."

"Yeah, I'd rather not be alone." Nora cautiously followed them out of the coffeeshop, looking around for infected people. Zoey muttered something Deb couldn't hear, but she knew it was about Sam and Charlotte. "Why would they want to leave Earth?" Nora asked, not hearing her.

"You think we want to be stuck in these bodies?" Alice scoffed, being pulled along by her father. "I've been waiting to get away from this bitch's whining since-"

"You're damn lucky you're in that body, because otherwise, I would be tearing you to shreds for talking shit about her like that," Deb interrupted, glaring at Alice's double.

"Please do, it'd put me out of my misery!"

"Yeah, because we're all ecstatic when you're singing and dancing."

"My host never stops bitching about you," she complained, putting her free hand on her hip.

"I don't know anyone who would do that," Zoey rolled her eyes.

"It's always Deb this, Deb that, for... however you humans measure time. A lot of it."

Deb's heart fluttered. "Alice still thinks about me?" 

"And it's insufferable!" Alice's groan morphed into an evil chuckle. "She says she hates you."

"What?"

"Yeah. She says you're the worst person she's ever met, and she blames you for me." She rolled her eyes and muttered, "oh, shut up, will you?" 

"Alice doesn't think that, Deb," Bill said, putting a hand over the fake Alice's mouth before she could say anything else. "Ow!" She had bitten his hand like she had Deb's earlier. "Alice!" 

Zoey snapped her fingers to get Deb's attention. "Don't listen to her. She's lying to fuck with your head." 

"Humans are so boring!" 

~•~

When they got to Hatchetfield High, they saw three new faces. "Hey, guys," Officer Sawyer said, turning away from his conversation with a woman in a stained Greenpeace apron to talk to them. "We found Charlotte and Melissa's boss, Ken, and his wife, Carol, on the way back, and Genevieve found Sof, Danny and Melissa here while we were gone." 

"Just Eve is fine," the Greenpeace Girl said, trying to comb the blue slime out of her hair with her fingers. 

"Nice to meet you, Eve," Bill smiled, although they had technically met when they had infected Paul. "Mr. Davidson is my boss, too, by the way."

"It's a small world, isn't it?" 

"I guess it is. Hey, Mr. Davidson."

"Hello, Bill. It's good to see you," he said, not really turning his attention away from his wife, who was asleep with her head on his chest and her arms wrapped around him like he'd disappear if she let go for even a second. 

Nora cleared her throat and awkwardly waved. "Hey, everyone, I'm Nora, Zoey's, uh, boss, technically-"

Zoey smirked and twirled her hair, staring Sam directly in the eye. "You can say 'girlfriend,' babe." 

Sam scoffed. "Oh, so you had a girlfriend this whole time?" 

"Stop it, Sam," Charlotte mumbled, half-asleep. 

"Shh, Charlie, baby, go back to sleep. You need to get some rest." 

"I'm sure she does, Sam! Being married to someone like you must be exhausting!" 

"Hi, I don't think we've met." Deb turned away from Sam and Zoey and saw the woman in the Greenpeace apron smiling at her. "Outside of the Hivemind, anyway. My name is Eve, if you don't remember."

"Hey, Eve. I'm Deb, and this is my girlfriend, Alice. In theory, at least."

"What?"

"She's still infected." She screamed and quickly stepped away from her. "Relax, she won't hurt you," Deb chuckled, stopping when she saw Alice's malevolent grin. "Also in theory, I guess. Ally, baby, please don't mangle this woman. Then you'd be stuck here with us humans." 

"How about you just don't mangle me, regardless?" She squeaked.

"That works, too."

"Did I hear screaming and/or fighting?" 

"Oh, hey, Ted," Bill said, waving to the man with the blood-stained shirt, ugly tie and cheesy moustache. "I was just wondering if you were still infected or not. Have you seen Paul?"

"Yeah, he's still singing and dancing and shit, mostly with that crabby barista." He strolled up to Zoey, who was still mid-argument with Sam. "Hey, babe, if you've got boyfriend troubles, I-"

"I've also got a girlfriend," she interrupted, clicking her tongue. 

"Um-" Nora started to say.

"Damn, that's a quick rebound!"

"Zoey-" Nora tried again.

"Well, we've been together for ninety-seven years, so I don't think so." 

"She was _already_ your girlfriend?! And what is she, thirty?" 

"She was already your _wife_! And you're older than she is! " 

"So we're back on that, huh?" 

"Uh, yeah, I think it's pretty important!"

"Sam, baby, please don't fight about me," Charlotte mumbled, slightly more awake. "Zoey, I-"

"Don't waste your time on her, Charlie. She's just being a melodramatic bitch, like always," Sam sighed, brushing Charlotte's hair over her face. 

"Stop fighting," Charlotte insisted, gently moving his hand off of her head as she sat up. "I don't want to hear any more of it. Sam, you're being...."

"What, Char? What am I being?" 

"I don't want to say it," she said quietly.

"C'mon," he chuckled. "Hit me with your best shot, Charlotte, baby."

"You're just being so...." She trailed off again.

"I can take it, go ahead." 

"You're being mean, Sam!" She gasped and immediately clapped a hand over her mouth. "I'm so sorry, that just slipped out, I-"

"You're just too much sometimes, Lottie," Ted chuckled, interrupting her. "You're really something special." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have no clue where the name genevieve came from


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heeeey, remember the first half of this fic's summary? Yeah, me neither

"Okay, wake the fuck up!" Alice yelled at Melissa, who was sleeping on the ground. "You shouldn't even be asleep, anyway. You were supposed to be the last one." 

"What?" 

"You should know, Douglas, you're the one who got her for us. Excellent job, by the way. The Hive is proud." 

"Just Doug, please. And I don't want the Hive to be proud of me."

"It wasn't them, it was the other cop," Melissa mumbled in her sleep. "I don't like him, but Doug is good with me." 

"Cute," Alice sneered. "But Melissa should still be one of us. She was the last one left on the island before our favorite jazzy duo swooped in and saved her life. It almost makes me want to reinfect her." Melissa yelped and hid behind Officer Padeska, who protectively put a hand to their gun. "Relax, I said almost. I don't want to be here, let me remind you."

"You never let us forget," Deb sighed.

"And what do you mean, 'saved her life?' We killed her!"

"No, you didn't, he did. It's probably just more of their Hivemind rhetoric," Melissa said shakily, forcing herself to look at Alice again.

"You really have no idea what happened on the rest of your planet while we had you, do you?" 

"Honestly? No, not really." 

"Wow! Humans being clueless!" She laughed and flicked her hair. "In other news, fire is hot." 

"Can you at least tell me why killing me saved my life?" Melissa squeaked, trying to see through her broken glasses. 

"I'd rather show you. Hey, Genevieve, you're going to want to see this!" 

"It's just Eve!"

Deb sighed. "She's going to call you by your full name, and it's going to be annoying, but she's not going to stop until the real Alice is back, so it's really not worth correcting her." 

"That's exactly right, Deborah," she said, pseudo-affectionately leaning her head on Deb's shoulder.

"Case in point." Deb rolled her eyes and pushed Alice off of her. 

Alice laughed again and started pulling her back toward Pinebrook. Bill, Padeska, Melissa, Zoey, Nora, Eve, and Ted followed; Sof and Mr. Davidson chose to stay with the still-asleep Danny and Carol, respectively, Sawyer knew Melissa was still absolutely terrified of him, Sam refused to go if Zoey was, and Charlotte wanted to stay with her husband. "This is something of a role reversal, huh, Deborah?" Alice asked, gripping so tightly onto Deb's hand she thought it would break. "Usually you're the one dragging me around the island."

"Why are we going inland?"

"You can't see anything from the shore, I'm taking you to the Hatchetfield Fortress," Alice explained, giving the chassés an unwelcome return. "It's got a periscope, you can see what used to be Clivesdale from inside. Melissa could have told you that." 

"Well, I never used it, and it's been eighty-nine years since I've had a chance to, anyway," Melissa mumbled, struggling to keep up. "Can you please slow down?" 

"Nope!" 

"Remind me why we're keeping her around?" Ted sighed.

"She's my daughter!" Bill said in unison with Deb's "she's my girlfriend," though she added a "fuck you" to the end of it. 

"But, like, should I be, though?" Alice asked Deb, clicking her tongue.

"What?"

Alice twirled her hair and smirked. "I mean, I'm really not worth the trouble."

"Are you trying to get me to dump Alice?"

"No, Alice is trying to dump you."

"No, she isn't," Deb rolled her eyes, fear creeping into her voice. She was lying, Alice loved her. Or was that an emphasis on "loved"?

"She totally is. I can hear her thoughts, let me remind you, and she wants you two to break up, ASAP."

"What?"

"Yep," she giggled, digging her jagged nails into Deb's hand. "She says, and I quote, 'I've wanted Deb out of my life since she took it.'" 

Deb's heart shattered into a million pieces at even the idea of Alice saying that. "Does she really think that?" 

"Yeah, she's seen the way you flirt with Sofa and she's mentally begging me to kick your ass to the curb."

"Sof's just my friend, and she wouldn't sa-"

"There's this other girl she says she likes better," Alice baited, putting her other hand on her hip.

"What? Who? Who is it?"

"Grace Chastity." 

"Grace Chastity?!" Deb repeated incredulously, her voice cracking slightly as tears pricked at her eyes. That couldn't be right. Would Alice really fall for the insufferable nerdy prude who thought winning spelling bees and math competitions was a personality trait? Would she really take anyone over Deb? Did she really hate her that much? 

"Yeah. She says Grace is... 'the most amazing girl I've ever met, I love her more than anything in the world, and- wait, is she finally letting me talk? Deb, I love you so much! Everything she just said is a lie! I don't blame you for any of this, I know you and Sof are just friends, and why in the world would I ever want to date Grace Chastity? Grace Chastity is a nerdy prude! You're my everything, honeybee, and-' oh, goddamnit, I really should have been paying attention...."

"Wow, you really had me going there for a second," Deb rolled her eyes, trying and failing to pull her hand away. "And I know she can hear this, so this goes to your host: Love you too, Ally. You're my treasure."

"Cute. And hey, I'm just having a little fun while I've still got someone on this planet wrapped around my finger. Sometimes." Alice held on tighter, but turned her focus to Melissa and Officer Padeska. "Hey, when are you two going to fuck?" 

Ted chuckled, practically running to keep up with her. "Damn, Alice, who asked?" 

"I did, just now. Get a room." 

Melissa giggled nervously, clearly uncomfortable with the attention. "We're, uh, we're not... I mean... sure, they're very pretty, but they'd never want-"

"You think I'm pretty?" Padeska interrupted, grinning like an idiot. 

"Um, yes, was that the wrong thing to say?" Melissa stuttered, quickly taking her arm off of theirs. 

"No, not at all. Thanks, Mel. You're not half bad, yourself. Y'know, for the reanimated corpse of an apocalypse survivor," they joked. "May I call you 'Mel?'" 

Melissa swooned and giggled again, more genuinely this time. "You can call me whatever you want, Doug."

"Exactly my point," Alice smirked. 

"Well, miss matchmaker, what do you have to say about Zoey and her apparent love pentagon?" 

"Excuse me?" Zoey scoffed.

"What? Feeling a little... singled out?" Ted chuckled, imitating a rimshot with his hands. "Eh? Eh? Yeah, no, I get it, that was terrible." 

"Yes, it was, especially considering that you're one of the points," Alice trilled, dragging Deb even faster, forcing the group to pick up speed. "And it's a hexagon, if the way Genevieve looks at Eleanora says anything." 

"She has a girlfriend," Zoey warned, glaring at Eve.

"Well, Zo, in light of recent news about your _boyfriend_ , no, I do not," Nora said, crossing her arms. "But I'd be glad to be your friend, and just your friend." 

"Finally, a ruined relationship," the fake Alice sighed, as if she was talking about kittens and rainbows. 

"Does that mean you're available, then?" Eve asked, brushing her hair behind her ear. 

"Well, yeah, I guess it does. But I can think of someone who just might be able to change that." 

"And I thought those two barista chicks was a quick rebound earlier," Ted muttered.

Alice groaned. "Oh, come on! She killed you, Genevieve! Get some perspective!" 

"Um, yeah, I think I'm with her on this one," Melissa mumbled unsurely.

"That's fuckin' rich, coming from you!" 

"It was Officer Sawyer, not Officer Padeska," she insisted for the umpteenth time.

"You're the one who brought it up, Alice," Eve shrugged, ignoring them. "Thanks for that, by the way." 

"Well, looks like we've got a fuckin' cupid over here," Ted snickered, elbowing Alice. "Can you get a little something going with me and the hot mess over there?" 

"Melissa's taken, Theodore. Though I guess that hasn't stopped you in the past." 

He gagged slightly and cleared his throat. "Just Ted, and I meant Zoey!" 

"I'm not your matchmaker. And give her a break, jeez. Though I suppose she's gotten a 'couple' too many 'breaks' today." 

"Oh, so when I make a shitty joke, it's b- what the fuck?" Ted interrupted himself, slowing his pace as he saw the rest of Hatchetfield. There were dozens of people lying asleep on the streets. It was honestly lucky nobody was driving right now. A good portion of the Hive had been completely wiped out in a blink. That was good news, at least it meant Alice would come back sooner.

Deb recognized one and failed to stifle her groan. "Don't wake that one up," she said, pointing to a woman sleeping under a tree. 

"What? Why?"

"Well, she's my mom, and she, uh, she wasn't exactly the most supportive to me when I came out." Understatement of the century. "If she saw my girlfriend acting like this, she'd have my head." 

"That can be arranged," Alice twittered, twirling herself on Deb's arm. "I'd prefer to wake her now, if it'll result in any sort of non-Hive-imprisoning death." She winced and put a hand to her head, reacting to what only she could hear. "Damn, that was loud! My host is a screamer, that's for sure. I'm surprised you all couldn't hear that." 

"Just don't wake her up yet, okay?" Deb hissed, quickly turning Alice back toward the Hatchetfield Fortress. 

Alice immediately started singing, somehow not waking any of the sleeping people. The rest of the group sighed and let it happen, knowing that there was no stopping it (besides Melissa, who still trembled behind Officer Padeska every single time anyone sang or danced). Alice's voice sounded just as chillingly beautiful as it always did, until she tried to sing an E6. Her voice cracked and she stepped back, in shock that she could fail at anything musical. She cleared her throat and tried again, but she still couldn't hit the note. "What? But I..." She looked up and shot Melissa the iciest glare Deb had ever seen, especially from Alice. If looks could kill, the Hive would be stuck on Earth in a heartbeat. "I blame you for this!" 

"What? What did I do?" She squeaked, quickly putting her hands up in surrender.

"I don't know what you did to make this happen, but this should be you, and I should be on another planet, lightyears away from this bitch of a host." She sighed and buried her face in Deb's shoulder. "Oh, God, that means I'm going third-to-last at the very earliest. The rest of you humans had better be quick with it, this is miserable." She stood up, rolled her eyes, and went back into the song, hitting every note perfectly again (except for the E6). 

"The fortress is just over there," Melissa whispered, still shaken from the infected Alice's anger and the fact that she was now singing again. 

They finished the walk to the fortress– which was still a shockingly impressive sight, even after having seen hundreds of glimpses of it during random choreography over the years– and Bill carefully knocked on the door. The security system was still perfectly functional after ninety-six years, and Deb could hear little clicks and beeps behind a sixty-something-year-old man's hysterical crying. "My apologies, but I really can't see visitors right now!" 

"Professor Hidgens, it's us, Bill and Ted," Bill called through the door. "We're Emma's friends, and we have a few others. We're not infected, we won't hurt you." 

"Calling me Emma's friend is generous, b-" Ted started to say before Bill shushed him.

"Is she with you?" The professor asked quickly. Deb could tell that he had been sobbing.

"Well, no, but we-"

"Then I'm sorry to say that you need to go! Goodbye!" 

"Wait!" Ted said, just before he turned off the camera. "Is it about the Working Boys?" 

There were creaks and whirrs as the door opened and the group walked inside. 


End file.
